Coronavirus carb-loading and desperate day drinking – how my self-isolation has turned into self-insulation – The Sun
THIS morning I went to the shops and bought a twelve-pack of hot cross buns, two packets of crumpets, a family-size chocolate bar and three bottles of wine.
This would be fine if I was stockpiling in preparation for 14-days of self-isolation with my family of four, but in reality it’s just me and my boyfriend and most of it was eaten by lunchtime – by me.
I know they say you should ‘starve a fever, feed a cold’ but I don’t think anyone ever cured coronavirus by mainlining carbohydrates.
But that’s not stopping me. Partly it’s the boredom.
When you’re working from home, ‘snack breaks’ are the only way to preserve your sanity.
Sure when you’re in the office you might hit up the vending machine at 4pm, but now that we’re all within walking distance of our fridge, somehow the peanut butter just magically transports itself to the mouth.
Not on toast, just with a spoon directly from the jar.
Then it’s the stress.
Obsessively checking Twitter and Instagram and the news and then back to Twitter again for hours on end has got to be burning some calories, right?
And with so much extra food in the house, it would be rude not to dig into a bit, OK, make that all of it.
I’m now panic buying on a daily basis just to replenish what I ate the day before.
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Soon my worry won’t be whether I’m allowed to leave the house again, but whether I can actually fit through the door.
Forget toilet roll and tinned goods, I’m not embarrassed to admit my priorities have been more beer and cider-based.
I’ve lost all sense of how much booze is socially acceptable to buy, but when you realise you’re on day 2 of self-isolation but also your sixth bottle of wine the numbers don’t look good.
Soon my worry won’t be whether I’m allowed to leave the house again, but whether I can actually fit through the door.
But how else are you supposed to cope with being cooped up with your partner 24/7?
It’s lucky that there’s extra production of hand sanitiser going on, because I’m probably not far off drinking it.
Then there’s my personal grooming regime, which has gone out the window since coronavirus hit.
I like to think I’m a fairly low-maintenance kind of girl, but now I’m regretting putting off that pedicure.
My toenails look like a Hobbit’s, my bikini line is out of control and I’ve stopped shaving my legs because well, what’s the point?
And, who knows, maybe the extra hot fuzz will mean I don’t need to keep the central heating on as high and so will save money for when the inevitable global recession hit.
I’m certainly not the only one going au natural.
As one meme I saw on Instagram put it, we are now about three weeks away from knowing everyone in the world’s true hair colour.
My boyfriend might be shocked to know I’m not such a sunkissed natural blonde after all.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be like this.
Every single day I download a new exercise app or sign up for another home workout programme.
I even unfurled a dusty yoga mat in my spare room.
I haven’t got around to actually doing anything as yet, but I’m pretty sure that wearing yoga pants and watching people exercise on YouTube has almost the same effect as doing it.
My toenails look like a Hobbit’s, my bikini line is out of control and I’ve stopped shaving my legs because well, what’s the point?
Experts are predicting a coronavirus baby boom in nine months’ time, that divorce cases will spike and that the economy will be in freefall.
But I think we also need to acknowledge that a lot of us are going to emerge from self-isolation with a little more self-insulation.
But who cares? For now we should all keep calm and eat crumpets.
As everyone is constantly saying – this is an ‘unprecedented situation’.
There’ll be plenty of time to ‘flatten the curves’ later.
In more coronavirus mayhem, doctors are advising we should all masturbate during lockdown to ‘boost our immune systems’ & ‘fight off infections’.
This mum also broke down in tears as she slammed coronavirus stockpilers for buying all the nappies in her area.
And finally, check out the celebs making self-isolation the sexiest Instagram trend ever.
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