How to pass an entire weekend without any sport after coronavirus cancels Premier League and rugby games – The Sun

OK, coronavirus just got me where it hurts – there is no sport this weekend.

Let me just repeat that. There is no sport this weekend.

I have just done a quick check in the archives and the last time this happened was July 12, 776BC, a week after a full programme of Second Division Greco-Roman Wrestling and the Corinth versus Thessalonica chariot race, which went down as a classic.

So for the foreseeable future, there is no Premier League football, Championship football, rugby, cricket, golf, international lacrosse, synchronised swimming or cheese rolling.

I will even miss the joy of watching Celtic getting sweet revenge on Rangers at Ibrox on Sunday. Although that might have been a bit of a let-off given the last time, which we do not talk about.

The important thing is NOT TO PANIC.

This weekend, and probably the next few to follow, are going to be a bit weird. No, they are going to be very weird.

So here is my guide to get you through the basics, such as: Not checking your phone every two minutes for score updates, actually talking to your family and  chatting about “other stuff” on WhatsApp.

So here it goes, your alternative guide to a weekend without sport . . .

Play some games with the kids. It is time to get creative with the young ones and actually play with them. How about a game of Hunt The Toilet Roll?

The rules are simple: You all jump in the car and try to find the one shop within a 25-mile radius that still has a multipack of economy bog roll on its shelves.

The child who finds one first gets to use two sheets instead of one in the impending drought  of March/April 2020.

Enjoy a Fray Bentos tinned pie. It is the Arsenal fan’s substitute for a Waitrose organic classic steak and stout pie and will help you recreate the authentic match-day experience.

Start  furtively, looking at your watch at around 3.20pm. As 3.30pm approaches, shift uneasily in your seat before giving in and heading to the cupboard in which you have been stockpiling food for the past fortnight.

Hang around for 25 minutes in a make-believe queue before eating the lukewarm pie and returning to your seat feeling slightly disappointed.

When your partner barges in screaming, “Who ate all the pies?”,  deny everything.

Make up your own football chants. You might not be able to scream at the players, but the kids are fair game.

Suggested chants (while pointing) include: “You’re cute, you’re two, you’re nappy’s full of poo, little Dave, he’s little Dave.”

And: “You’re going home in  a child safety seat, you’re going  home in a child safety seat.”

Go shopping with your partner. It is, of course, inadvisable to go to  an actual shopping centre where thousands of people might be breathing on each other, but that does not mean you can’t shop.

So turn the heating up to a slightly uncomfortable temperature, wear an inappropriately warm puffer jacket zipped up to the top and pull up a kitchen chair next to your partner while they shop online for a solid  three to four hours.

Every time they click the checkout, add five tins of stockpiled beans to your bag, walk around the kitchen three times and sit down again. Repeat. Try not to look miserable and NEVER  get caught looking at your phone.

Settle down to some telly. Never mind Gillette Soccer Saturday on Sky.

Flick over to Dave at 3pm where Border Force: America’s Gatekeepers is on. Watch as America’s Homeland Security try to stop a plane-load of drugs (or maybe Italians) heading  into the US. If that gets boring, freak the kids out with post-Apocalyptic horror movie classic 28 Days Later — and tell them it is a documentary.

Do some arts and crafts. What could be more fun than getting the double-sided sticky tape and felt out to make stuff with the kids?

Well, lots. But challenge them to make their own coronavirus-busting face masks.

Once they get into the swing of it, set up an assembly line.

There is a shortage right now and you can make a packet from flogging them on eBay.

Sexual healing. Finally, why not reintroduce a bit of romance into your life? Give the kids the iPad, put a wedge under the door and tell Alexa to stick a bit of Marvin Gaye on the old smart speaker.

But for your own self-respect, think of Boris Johnson and try to last at least as long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday all the way through . . . twice.

A-Z OF BOREDOM-BUSTING

A  is for Arrange. From alphabetising  your books and DVDs to labelling your cooking jars.

B  is for Book. Pick up that novel you  never finished. Or started.

C  is for Create. Get gluing on that photo  album or scrapbook you have been meaning to fill out.

D  is for DIY. Build some shelves for all  those stockpiled toilet rolls.

E  is for  Exercise. Dig out those  dumbbells you bought in the Eighties and get pumping iron.

F  is for Follow The Advice. Listen to the  official reports from experts on the safest behaviour to stay well.

G  is for  Gardening. Grow your own fruit  and veg – it saves going to the shops.

H  is for  Housework. This is the  perfect excuse for a virus-busting deep-clean of your home.

I  is for  Ikea. Tackle those unopened  flat  packs you have been putting off.

J  is for  Jigsaw. Get out a 1,000-piecer  and crack on.

K  is for  Knitting. Make a scarf to keep  away any sniffles.

L  is for  Language. Learn a new one,  for when it is safe to travel again. Use apps or online tutorials.

M  is for  Mindfulness. Try the free Headspace app to relax the mind.

N  is for  Neighbours. Make sure yours  are OK. Give them a   phone call for a chat, especially the vulnerable – but keep your distance.

O  is for  Opinions. It is good to have  them, but you do not have to put them on Facebook if you are not an expert. Remember, false information can cost lives.

P  is for  Podcasts. Get stuck into great new true-crime podcast Black Gold.

Q  is for  Quizzes. Always a fun way to  kill time – and your Sun newspaper always  has the best every day.

R  is for  Reality Shows. From Netflix’s  Love Is Blind to Channel 4’s Five Guys A Week, now is the time to catch up.

S  is for  Slow Cook. Dust off that  Crock-Pot and batch-cook some delicious recipes.

T  is for  Tidy. With spring round the corner, it is time to  declutter.

U is for  Universe. Stargazing and learning about planets can be done from your window.

V  is for  Volunteer. Join a charity such  as Independent Age where you can phone a lonely elderly person.

W  is for  Write. Send emails to friends  to cheer them up.

X  is for  X-rated. This is a perfect time  to get to know your partner better in the bedroom.

Y  is for  Yoga. To make sure you are still  keeping your body moving,  follow simple online tutorials such as Yoga With Adriene on YouTube.

Z  is for  Zzzz. Nap all day. With the  majority of   adults saying they do not get the recommended seven hours of sleep a night,  there is no better  time to catch up on shut-eye.

Top 10 telly shows

BEST OF TERRESTRIAL

The Voice UK, tonight, 8.30pm, ITV: We are approaching  the business end of the singing contest, and it’s the  stage the coaches dread – the brutal Knockouts. Olly Murs, Tom Jones, Meghan Trainor and Will.i.am each have to cut their teams from six acts to two as they gear up for the live semis in a fortnight’s time.

Trolls, Sunday, 3.15pm BBC1: Smash-hit animation guaranteed to stop little ones (and big ones) from bouncing off the walls with boredom. Join Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake as you transport yourself to the colourful, musical world of the Trolls.

Race Across The World, Sunday, 8pm, BBC2: While we might not be crossing borders any time soon, this unique travelogue series sees five pairs of backpackers  attempt to cross the world  with no phone, modern technology or spare cash. This week they are in  South America. The first to cross the finishing line pockets £20,000.

The Good Karma Hospital, Sunday, 8pm, ITV: Wrap yourself up in an hour of this uplifting, easy-to-watch drama. It’s the third run of the medical series (you can catch the first two series on BritBox) based in an Indian cottage hospital. Amanda Redman is charismatic and punchy as forceful Dr Lydia Fonseca and Neil Morrissey is his usual hapless and lovable self as her partner Greg.

Belgravia, Sunday, 9pm, ITV: Period dramas are what Sunday nights are made for – and this new offering from Downton Abbey’s Julian Fellowes does not  disappoint. Stars Philip Glenister and Tamsin Greig.

BEST TO BINGE

Love Is Blind, Netflix: The perfect reality TV cocktail and utterly addictive, it’s  a little bit of The Bachelor, with a sprinkling of Love Island and a dollop of Married At First Sight. The series sees if American singletons can fall in love without setting eyes on their partner. They  date in separated “pods”   before deciding  whether to get hitched.

Noughts + Crosses, BBC iPlayer: Malorie Blackman’s beloved book series has finally made it to telly in an absorbing six-parter. The story is set in a dystopian Britain, where  white people are the underclass and black people the elite. Look out for a cameo from rapper Stormzy.

Last Tango In Halifax, BBC iPlayer: We all need  something to smile about, and we promise your cheeks will be aching once you have finished this beautiful, warm, witty drama set in Yorkshire. Derek Jacobi and Anne Reid star as two childhood sweethearts who lost touch.

Unbelievable, Netflix: If this well-paced, utterly compelling crime drama has gone under your radar,  correct that now. It stars Toni Collette and Merritt Wever as two detectives from neighbouring police forces who realise rape cases they are working on are connected.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Netflix: Crime should not be funny, but the outlandish cases – and even more outrageous methods of solving them – in this hilarious US sitcom will have you laughing till antibac comes out your nose. And with 112 episodes to watch on Netflix – and a new series starting on E4 on March 26 – you’ll be bingeing until it is safe to return to work.

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