I have brilliant sex with my lover but can never get an erection when I’m with my wife – The Sun

DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN have brilliant sex on the side with my lover as often as I want – but I can’t get an erection to make love with my wife. What’s wrong with me?

Three years ago I got married to a girl my parents insisted would be perfect for me.

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I was a bit of a wild boy and messed around a lot with my mates in my teenage years and early twenties.

My parents were keen to see me settle down and fixed up dates for me with their friends’ daughter, who was a university graduate and working in business.

We got on OK. I liked the fact she was a virgin, even if she did earn more than I did.

She got pregnant quickly and had our son, my little hero. I am 33 and my wife is 31.

She got promoted soon after returning to work after maternity leave and now works longer hours.

This means I have to collect our son from nursery and give him his tea. I love him but he’s tired by then and usually whines a lot and asks for his mummy.

We would like another child but I am struggling to have sex with my wife, even if she works hard in bed to get me aroused.

I just can’t get a lasting erection. I start to feel like she’s molesting me. How are we ever going to have another child?

I’d be panicking but I’m enjoying regular and very satisfying sex with a girl I’ve been having an affair with for more than a year. She is 26 and I met her while out with workmates.

She’d split up with a long-term boyfriend and said she wasn’t ready to trust men again. We agreed it would be no-strings sex.

I’ve always been clear that I’m not going to be leaving my wife and son. But now a year has gone by she is beginning to press for more.

I can’t leave home as my parents would go mad.


MANY people with relationship problems find the idea of counselling scary.

But it is important to get quality help.

How to do so is explained in my e-leaflet, How Counselling Helps.

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DEIDRE SAYS: You are trapped by old-fashioned views of men and women’s roles in life and marriage.

You feel undermined because your wife has a more high-powered and better-paid job than you, while you have to pick up some of the childcare.

So many guys would envy you. Look at this differently and you could relish the time that you get to spend with your little boy.

My guess is he whines for his mummy because you are not making teatime and bath time the fun it could be for him.

Talking to a counsellor could help and you can find support for dads at dad.info.

You do not want to walk out on your marriage, so make it work.

Stop seeing your girlfriend and save your sexual energy for your wife.

My e-leaflet on Solving Erection Problems explains some self-help sex therapy for you to try.

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